9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
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me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda