I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.