My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
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Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work