[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
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I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?