Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
🌱🌱🌱
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*