For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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“no gods no masters” = leo
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
they finally got him. they got macavity
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!