He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
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husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Godspeed, John Glenn
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
United Steaks of America
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.