On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
You Might Also Like
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.