centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating