[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
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I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.