Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.