I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush