My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.