“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.