I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
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I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
im 7 sauces long
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Do not levitate over flowers
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Don’t touch that.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.