You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
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[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine