“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?