I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰