If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
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For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Guantanamo Bae
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.