I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
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I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”