Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
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*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
This classic never gets old . . .
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I’ve had worse
if a cop pulls u over play dead