Poetry is my passion
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Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though