Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
You Might Also Like
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”