Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
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Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Chicken bread
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay