I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
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mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??