I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
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Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
when you don’t want to be too vague
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted