It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
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As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
found my next D&D character name
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?