[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine