Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
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A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.