In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”