3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
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New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.