wtf management?!
You Might Also Like
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
PARKOUR
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
is this a warning or an offer?
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.