If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
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Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Breaking news:
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that