FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲