any last words?
You Might Also Like
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
“just sayin” who asked you though?