On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
S M O L
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks