If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
HR said no more nunchucks.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.