People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Terribly Tuesday.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
how it started vs how it ended
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell