Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
@funTweeters
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize