Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
awkward
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.