*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band