[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button