Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
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When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.