I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
You Might Also Like
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*