Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
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While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”