Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
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Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
looks legit
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*