Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
You Might Also Like
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets