And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
yes… yes…
A couple who are silly together stay together.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆