I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
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Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I love you to the refrigerator and back