Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.